Love, Defined

"Do you, or don't you?"
I raised my eyes to the tear-filled azure orbs of my girlfriend, Tsukino Usagi. I didn't know how to answer her. So I remained silent; stoic. I was good at that. Maybe if I behaved like this long enough, she would think her behavoir childish and stop insisting that I answer her question.

"You can't answer me," she said, flatly. She looked stunned. Struck. Like I had reached out an slapped her across the face. That same kind of haunted look danced in her eyes. Tears ran down her pale cheeks. I felt something tear inside of me. I was still reeling from the shock of her first question, that I didn't acknowledge what was happening. What was happening?

She never let her gaze drop, continuing to probe me with her damned eyes. Sometimes I praised them in my head, mulling over their clarity and abilities. Now I despised them. They read into me, and I felt as if nothing was out of reach. Even the thoughts in my head seemed to bow to her.

She spoke. "There's no middle ground, Mamoru."

Mamoru? That something inside of me tore more. I didn't know what that lump that was growing in my throat was. I didn't dare swallow. What was she saying? What was so different about this confrontation than all of the others we had had throughout our two years together?

"Either you do, or you don't. If you can't say it, then you don't. By default." She took a gasping breath, as if her words had wounded her physically. "You don't. You just don't. I don't know why. But it isn't me. Love isn't like that. You just love. No matter who. You just do it."

She choked. She sobbed. And I still sat there. Stoic. Cold. Utterly bewildered and stupid and afraid.

"But you don't!" She finally cried. "You don't! After everything, you still hold back, you still condescend, you STILL DON'T LOVE ME! YOU STILL CAN'T SAY IT!" In agony, she sank onto her knees. Tears were flowing profusely now. Strands of silky, golden hair stuck to her face. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her pupils looked wild. She was disheveled. She was destroyed.

I had destroyed her.

I was destroyed.

Except for her tiny sobs, the room was silent. Silence. I enjoyed silence. It reflected the character of the apartment, which had no character. It was sterile. Stoic. Cold. Like me. Emotionless. Uncaring. Unfeeling.

Uncaring. Unfeeling. Emotionless.

Not like me. Like I wished I could be. Like I tried to portray myself. Like I thought I was.

Until I met her.

Until I cared for her.

Until I FELT for her.

Suddenly, the pain was at my feet, my worst fears had come true, as she finally rose to her feet and looked down at me, her clear azure eyes opaque and navy, her truth-filled face now contorted to a sheild. She was closed. Unopen. Like me.

"I suppose you have no place for a hysterical woman." Sarcasm. How unlike her. How like me.

She paused. The next sentence blazed. She was filled with emotion. She was alive, and full of truth, and open and vurnerable. She was everything she was supposed to be, and yet she was rejecting me.

"And I have no place for someone who believes that love is weak."

I was right. Emotions are wrong. Logic is right. Closure is good. Vurnerability is bad. As long as I lock myself away, I won't get hurt. I was safe. She rejected me. Love caused it. Love is weak. Love is worthless. I can go back to my shell.

She left. I didn't care. I didn't about anything. I didn't care about whether she lived or died, or whether I would ever see Tsukino Usagi again.

I don't care, I told myself. I don't care, I kept telling myself.

But I ached. I pained. I wanted to scream and cry and run after the woman that I...

I closed my eyes. I thought again: love is weak. Logic is strong. Destroy emotions, and be strong. Nothing will hurt you again.

But my hands were trembling. I needed mental stimulus. Something intellectual. Like, reading.

Those trembling hands reached out and grabbed a book off of the white shelf. I sat down on the white sofa. I opened the book. I didn't know what book it was. I didn't really care. I just needed it. To soothe me. To forget that Tsukino Usagi ever existed in the first place.

To forget that I...

But I don't. Love is weak. It's fearful. Apathy is strong. Apathy is desired.

I started to read.

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life. That word is love."

--Sophocles.

A single tear hit the page. The point of impact darkened the paper. The moisture fanned out.

"We are all born for love... It is the principle of existence and its only end."

--Benjamin Disraeli.

Another tear fell. It splattered on "Benjamin".

"Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of beginning and all fear of an end."

--Madame de Statl.

My vision was blurring, but I could still read. In fact, I couldn't stop.

"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation."

--Rainer Maria Rilke.

Two tears fell. Then three. I kept reading. The next quote struck me as forcefully as my silence had struck Usako.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."

That was from First John 4:8.

I closed my eyes.

I shut the book.

I sobbed.

Love is strong. Apathy is weak.

And now I understood. Despite loving Usako, I was unwilling to show it. I wanted to hide behind the last of my reserves. Hurt makes someone stronger. Love can hurt. But love...

I let my commitement to her, my feelings for her, my love for her, comsume me. I gave up that emotional security. Because in the end, it wasn't secure at all. It was a wasteland. A crystal tomb. It was going to deny me that thing that I need the most, throughout my desperate and pitiful existance. The one thing that ever touched me, made me more a man. Made me human.

Usako.

Usako!

I stood up. The book fell to the floor. I would peruse it later. It had saved me.

She was probably home. She wouldn't answer the phone.

I glanced at the clock. It was past ten. Kenji wouldn't let me near the house, either. As hard as it would be, I would have to wait to tell her. The thing that she wanted to hear. The thing that more than anything else I wanted to say to her.

I needed some air.

I opened the door, and didn't bother to close it behind me. Just in case Usako came back. She hated not making up after a fight, and then sleeping on it. I understood that now.

Slowly, my steps took me up to the roof. It was winter, and it would be cold. I would only stay out for a minute. I just wanted to go someplace... with color. With character. Someplace unlike my apartment.

I mounted the last step, and pushed open the door.

It was darker than I expected, but the half moon gave it some light. The cold air greeted me, and refreshed my senses.

I took a step out, and let the door close behind me. I turned to walk out on the roof. And froze.

She was there. Her azure eyes met mine. She had wanted as much clarity as I had. For a minute, we stared at each other. Desperately wishing for a connection, knowing that there was something on the other side that the other person was seeking.

The intensity of my emotions rising, I took a step forward. "Knowing you has changed me. But I was afraid of change. So I held on to the things that I should have left behind. I like to pretend that I don't feel things." I paused. "That I don't love."

She remained silent.

My voice cracked. "I've let all of that go now. I'm sorry it took me so long. I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much. But now... I want to say it as much as you want to hear it. I love you. I will always love you. I have always loved you. And I want to love you the way you want to be loved. Usako, I love you."

We were both crying. She still hadn't spoken.

I was afraid. Would she forgive me?

There was another moment of silence.

"Say it again."

I looked at her. I repeated my sentiment. "I love you."

A seed of hope had sprouted in her eyes. A half smile curved her pink lips upwards. "Again." She took a small step toward me.

"I love you."

She giggled, and started to run towards me. "Again!"

I laughed. "I love you!"

She launched herself at me. We were both crying. We were both laughing.

Then that stopped. She pulled away slightly. We stared at each other.

Then she whispered: "Again."

"I love you," I breathed, as I descended to kiss her lips.